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Quick. What's the best part of the body to use for identification? If you answered with 'fingerprint,' than congratulations! You, sir or madam, are behind the times. What the cool kids are using now is a device that scans the veins in your finger. This technology, aptly named Finger Vein Authentication Technology, reads the squiggly purple spiderweb that is your vein pattern. And it's actually more accurate than fingerprint scanning.
"But...the guy before me was scratching his asshole with the same finger!"
The first application for this tech will be used in banking. All you do is stick your finger in a hole, it's scanned, and viola! It identifies you, bypassing the need for PINs, passwords, and authentication codes. This will be of tremendous value to the people who keep forgetting if they capitalized the 'a' in their password 'Pus$ySlAyer69.'
So, which titanic moneygrubber will be the first to release this tech to the public? Is it the national Bank of America? The guardian of the secret Coca-Cola recipe, SunTrust? Maybe it will be the prolific Wells Fargo? Nah, dawg, it's Barclays, the London based financial company that has metastasized throughout the world. First, their 30,000 corporate customers will get to stick their filthy fingers into it before the mainstream customer base gets their turn.
Hopefully, it won't take too long. It will be especially useful in retail. There's only so many times that one can handle the shame of trying to discretely buy a dildo but failing to enter their PIN properly due to a sudden case of Alzheimer's that forces you to hand the dildo over to the cashier with your head ducked in shame and walk out the store dildoless.
"It's precisely three times."
The heart. We all have one. And by "we", I mean everyone except murderers, sexual offenders, corrupt politicians, used car salesmen, lawyers, money-hungry corporations, and that one old scientist guy on Fringe in that weird-ass episode where instead of a real heart he had a heart made of glass.
Seems legit.
That glass heart, however, managed to beat on its own, even though it was fully synthetic. What's crazy is that this technology, conceived on a Sci-Fi show, is actually coming to life.
Alain Carpentier, a French Professor, engineered a fully self-regulating heart in 2013 and implanted it in an old Frenchman. And, it worked!
Carpentier isn't the first to design an artificial heart, but he is the first to create a permanent one that is fully automated, thanks to sensors that adjust the pulse rate, and a biosynthetic skin that prevents blood clots.
Moving us ever closer to a cyborg reality, the heart will hit the market sometime in 2015. So, 20 years from now when your heart croaks from all the Big Macs you've been eating, you can just pop in one of these bad boys and continue on your Big Mac eating ways. What do you care? Your cyborg heart sure don't.
"Inject that shit intravenously, bro! Those pansy arteries will have a field day!"
You can go ahead and buy one now if you need it. But, keep in mind it will cost you roughly the same as a new mortgage: $190,000 - $250,000.
Just as Ferdinand Magellan was the first to circumnavigate the world by boat, the team behind Solar Impulse will be the first to do so with a solar powered plane. Luckily, the craft only has room for one, so the chances of there being a mutiny or two, like with Magellan's trip, are pretty slim. As slim as this thing's body.
"Wow, you really let yourself go, Boeing!"
Though it has a wingspan larger than that of a Boeing 747-8I, it's body is significantly smaller. The total weight ends up being no more than 2300 kg, or the same weight as that Ford Mustang the neighborhood douche drives.
What they promise with this craft is the ability of continuous flight, having no need to stop and refuel, since the source of its energy is constantly glaring over it like that perverted teacher from high school that always looked down the girls' skirts when their pencils dropped to the floor. I can tell you this much: he didn't look like sunshine.
"Hey! You can kiss my grits!"
Hey, did you like this article? Try 3 Spooky Instances of Animal Premonitions
I promise, there's only going to be like, 3 dick pics. <|------ Tweet or share to help spread The Passion of the Fret to all the interwebs!
