Douchebags: Why they Exist and Why I'm Completely Fine with It

Here's a quick personality test. Read the following lines aloud. Go on, don't be shy.

I am the life of the party. Everyone envies me for my looks and popularity. I am a ladies man and can get any girl I want. I am cool and successful and have the best hair. 

How do you feel? Do you have a sense of unease, almost as if you don't fully believe in all of what you said? Then, don't worry about a thing. Chances are you're a great person with a normal ego.

Please clone yourself now. The world needs more people like you.

Let's talk about the people who actually read those lines aloud with confidence. People who fully believe that they have just spoken the truth. There are only two types of people who would think this. The first is a man who has climbed society's ladder. He has endured his fair share of struggles and has learned his lessons. His sense of style reflects his intelligence and wit, and he has a real, authentic group of followers. He not only has respect from others, but also respect for others.  Think Tony Stark by the end of the third Iron Man flick.

"I hope I can protect the one thing I can't live without." - Tony Stark

Now take away the intelligence and wit, the authentic group of followers, and respect for others. Add a sense of entitlement and demand of respect from others. Spice it up with a ridiculous haircut and shades, and behold the abomination you have created. The second type of person. A living, breathing douchebag. 

Bonus points if you included some spray tan!

Chances are, not a single person reading this article will think they are the second type. All douchebags think that they are Tony Stark caliber. And that is why they suck. They are twenty-something year olds who don't know any better. Why do these people exist? How does one start off as a perfectly innocent, pooping toddler ripe with potential and then grow up retaining only the pooping aspect?

Let's take a look at what douchebags are afraid of being --- a pussy. Especially in front of women. So, they put on a show. They do everything in their power to look confident and popular. They put on this false sense of bravado, acting like women are their playthings. However, they fall flat on their assess when it comes to looking confident and popular. No one besides other douchebags actually like them, so they're not actually that popular. Also, they are not actually confident. They're arrogant. They display self-importance and disregard for others (in this case, women). 

So, what I'm saying is, douchebags have become the way they are in their pursuit of women. But, the question still remains: why did they turn out this way?

Compensation?

Compensation could be an answer for the majority of douchebags. But, before I go on, let's take a break. I'm getting tired of saying douchebag. I need a new word for them. Hmm...douchebro? Dudebro? Dickbag? Cancerous wart of the Millennial generation? Yeah, I like that one.

So, getting back to the article on cancerous warts of the Millennial generation, we left off on the idea of compensation. But, not the kind you're thinking of. 

You really need to get your mind out of there. 

Although, having a small dick may explain why there are a good number of them. 

Sorry for bringing you right back in there. 

Alas, our article shall head (haha, get it?) in another direction. Compensation of the soul. What I mean by that is, cancerous warts of the Millennial generation are compensating for something beyond their small banana. I believe that they have not had enough life experiences to develop a deep personality. So, they take the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach. Confidence, wit, charm, style...whatever their naive brain thinks those traits entail, they take them and exaggerate them. 

Because a real man would know that shirts aren't stylish, after all. 

So, is that what being a cancerous wart of the Millennial generation entails? Simple naivety? Maybe. However, aren't all young people naive? Yet, not all of them are douche. Er, I mean cancerous warts of the Millennial generation. (Gosh, that is getting tiring to type.) Here is the deciding factor. Women. 

In case you all were starting to feel left out. 

Cancerous warts of the...you know what? Screw it. Douchebags are douchebags because they think that that is what women want. To a degree, this is true. There are women that crave douchebags. They are the only guys they ever get in relationships with. Something about spray tans and spiked hair gets their loins frothing. 

"Stirred up, Cyril. In the loins." - Malory Archer

Lo and behold, it actually works. Douchebags get girls. And, that brings me to my conclusive answer. Douchebags exist because there are women willing to have them. Looking at it socioeconomically, douchebags are actually fulfilling a social and economic demand. (That's probably not how that word works.) Douchebaggery is a thriving subculture because there are benefits of being one.

Before I go, I do want to make this point. I have a strong suspicion that the women that dig douchebags are just as naive as the douchebags they date. Nine times out of ten, quality women go for quality guys. And, I am perfectly OK with that. Let there be douchebags. So long as they distract the women that seek them, all that remains is quality guys and gals.

So, we can all just throw a big orgy to celebrate. 

* \m/ *

_________________________________________________________________