Quick. What's the best part of the body to use for identification? If you answered with 'fingerprint,' than congratulations! You, sir or madam, are behind the times. What the cool kids are using now is a device that scans the veins in your finger. This technology, aptly named Finger Vein Authentication Technology, reads the squiggly purple spiderweb that is your vein pattern. And it's actually more accurate than fingerprint scanning.
"But...the guy before me was scratching his asshole with the same finger!"
The first application for this tech will be used in banking. All you do is stick your finger in a hole, it's scanned, and viola! It identifies you, bypassing the need for PINs, passwords, and authentication codes. This will be of tremendous value to the people who keep forgetting if they capitalized the 'a' in their password 'Pus$ySlAyer69.' So, which titanic moneygrubber will be the first to release this tech to the public? Is it the national Bank of America? The guardian of the secret Coca-Cola recipe, SunTrust? Maybe it will be the prolific Wells Fargo? Nah, dawg, it's Barclays, the London based financial company that has metastasized throughout the world. First, their 30,000 corporate customers will get to stick their filthy fingers into it before the mainstream customer base gets their turn.
Hopefully, it won't take too long. It will be especially useful in retail. There's only so many times that one can handle the shame of trying to discretely buy a dildo but failing to enter their PIN properly due to a sudden case of Alzheimer's that forces you to hand the dildo over to the cashier with your head ducked in shame and walk out the store dildoless.
"It's precisely three times."
The heart. We all have one. And by "we", I mean everyone except murderers, sexual offenders, corrupt politicians, used car salesmen, lawyers, money-hungry corporations, and that one old scientist guy on Fringe in that weird-ass episode where instead of a real heart he had a heart made of glass.
Seems legit.
That glass heart, however, managed to beat on its own, even though it was fully synthetic. What's crazy is that this technology, conceived on a Sci-Fi show, is actually coming to life.
Alain Carpentier, a French Professor, engineered a fully self-regulating heart in 2013 and implanted it in an old Frenchman. And, it worked!
Carpentier isn't the first to design an artificial heart, but he is the first to create a permanent one that is fully automated, thanks to sensors that adjust the pulse rate, and a biosynthetic skin that prevents blood clots.
Moving us ever closer to a cyborg reality, the heart will hit the market sometime in 2015. So, 20 years from now when your heart croaks from all the Big Macs you've been eating, you can just pop in one of these bad boys and continue on your Big Mac eating ways. What do you care? Your cyborg heart sure don't.
"Inject that shit intravenously, bro! Those pansy arteries will have a field day!"
You can go ahead and buy one now if you need it. But, keep in mind it will cost you roughly the same as a new mortgage: $190,000 - $250,000.
Just as Ferdinand Magellan was the first to circumnavigate the world by boat, the team behind Solar Impulse will be the first to do so with a solar powered plane. Luckily, the craft only has room for one, so the chances of there being a mutiny or two, like with Magellan's trip, are pretty slim. As slim as this thing's body.
"Wow, you really let yourself go, Boeing!"
Though it has a wingspan larger than that of a Boeing 747-8I, it's body is significantly smaller. The total weight ends up being no more than 2300 kg, or the same weight as that Ford Mustang the neighborhood douche drives.
What they promise with this craft is the ability of continuous flight, having no need to stop and refuel, since the source of its energy is constantly glaring over it like that perverted teacher from high school that always looked down the girls' skirts when their pencils dropped to the floor. I can tell you this much: he didn't look like sunshine.
If one were to make a list of the ten best reasons to GTFO, tornadoes would fall somewhere between an asteroid impact and a bag of literal shit about to hit your fan. What I'm saying is, it's up there. And these Golden Warblers sure knew it.
"That's a nice fan you got there. Be a shame if I pooped on it."
Back in April, the Tornado Alley got an ass whooping. A whooping that cost $1bn in damages and 35 lives. During that month, 84 tornadoes landed and sprawled across the ground, doing to the earth what a kid with a hair blower could do to an ant hill. Redecorate it. And by redecorate, I mean....
"Honey, just think of it this way. Now there's room for that shoe closet you always wanted!"
Apparently, five birds had read the GTFO list and knew that it was time to bail. They left their nests like they had just been evicted and flew south approximately 400 miles, getting themselves out of the line of fire. One day later, the tornadoes hit their neighborhood. We know this information thanks to a team of scientists that placed trackers on the birds, five of which were used in their measurements. How did the birds know? They heard the distant rumble of tornadoes that were happening hundreds of miles away. I repeat: hundreds of miles away! To put that into perspective, you weren't even able to hear that used dildo salesman coming up from behind until he was already poking you with one of his products as part of his sales pitch.
"What's the big deal? I wash them all by hand!"
The tornadoes were emitting infrasound, which occurs at a pitch way below what the human ear can detect. That range is between 20-20,000 hz. Infrasound occurs below 20 hz. Supposedly, the birds heard this low pitch and flew like hell. I like to imagine that whatever infrasound noise the tornadoes were making sounded a lot like the #1 reason on the GTFO list: dubstep.
I once ate an octopus. It was in the form of a sushi roll and had the vague resemblance to a tumor cut out of Lance Armstrong's testicle and wrapped in seaweed. I think the consistency would be roughly the same as well. The only thing I learned about octopi that day was that they do not belong in my mouth. Ever. Where do they do belong, however, is as my superhero betting sidekick that helps me predict the next winning sports team.
"That was my cousin, Larry, you just ate! Fuck your sports teams!"
Meet Larry's cousin, Paul, a psychic octopus that received worldwide recognition when he successfully predicted the outcome of 8 matches during the 2010 World Cup. Housed in an aquarium in Germany, Paul would be presented two boxes with a tasty mussel in each. Each box bore a national flag of the competing teams. Whichever box he picked would be the team he predicted would win. And, testifying that we all live in an episode of the Twilight Zone, the team he chose actually won. Keep in mind that the mussels were in glass boxes, so he could not smell them. Meaning that he did not choose based on which smelled tastier.
Paul had an 8-0 record. His odds of a correct prediction each time were a measly 1 in 256. How da fuq? Is it really just coincidence that he picked the right box eight times in a row?
So, a member of Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Rhode Island has an almost perfect record of predicting patients' deaths. He will go to their rooms and remain on vigil, bearing witness to their final hours. He has done this fifty times over the last two years. His accuracy is so spot on, that the staff will alert patients' families that death is imminent. His name is Oscar, and he's a goddamn cat.
They managed to get this shot roughly two seconds before he puked a hairball.
Like the great majority of cute, furry demons, Oscar is antisocial. He paces the halls and avoids people. Well, most people. Rather than chill with us living and breathing folk, Oscar hangs with a much more niche crowd: the soon-to-be-dead type of crowd. But, he doesn't just hang out with them. He remains by their side, only stepping out for two minutes at a time to grab some Kibbles. Because nothing works up an appetite like watching Dear Aunt Jessie croak.
The scent of death really adds to the flavor.
Are we supposed to believe that this cat is psychic? A doctor that works there, Dr. David Dosa, actually wrote an entire book
to prove he is.
He does manage to offer a sciency explanation. Oscar may have the ability to smell ketones, a type of biochemical that is released by dying cells. If enough cells are dying, such as in the case of a person about to croak, the scent hits Oscar and he comes around. Dr. Dosa, however, is not able to prove this ability. It is an educated guess at best. Meaning, there is room for me to offer my own educated guess. Oscar does no predicting. Oscar does what all demons do. He eats souls. Specifically, the souls of all those patients. I'm on to you, Oscar. You can't fool me with that cuddly fur coat!
"You off to do another 'prediction?'"
"Yesss. All of them. All their souls. They shall all be mine!"
Let's face it. There are people that give anime a bad rap. It's perfectly understandable. Modern anime is riddled with EE-sized babes taking out giant aliens. At least that's what the uninitiated tend to believe. Even though there are many anime that share this trait, there are some that go beyond. See, anime is merely a medium, a method upon which to tell a story. The quality of it will be based entirely on the artist. Seeing as how the majority of anime artists tend to be from Japan, however, that tends to explain a few things. But do not think so little of Japan! For those who have never seen what anime is truly capable of, the following four are meant to get your attention. At least two of these will break your preconceptions of anime as a subdominant art form. They are all dynamic stories delving deep into the human psyche. They are stories that will make you laugh, cry, rage, and think very deeply about yourself and what you would do if presented with the situation that these characters go through. So, without further ado.... #1)Attack on Titan (2013) The hit anime of 2013. If you want to see anime done right, that's Attack on Titan. Forget the busty babes and shrill, over-the-top comedy that plagues modern anime. Attack on Titan takes a metaphorical dump on all of that. Though considered an action anime, it is a beautiful rendition of a primal fear --- the fear of being eaten alive. It introduces a world where humans live under the thumb of a terrifying force of nature, the Titans, whose soul purpose is to consume all humans like bite-size Snickers.
"Hey, Lorquag, have a human."
"Why?"
"Cuz we don't have any Snickers."
By the time of the first episode, people were living in a city shielded by a 100 foot wall. They were able to live in peace for 100 years this way, as even the tallest known Titan did not quite reach 100 feet. (Yes, Titans are extremely big. Bigger than a man whose won a lifetime's supply of Twinkies.) Unfortunately, the people in Attack on Titan have never gotten the opportunity to see Pacific Rim, so they have no idea how useless there wall really is.
"We could have saved millions if we'd just put a big 'Beware of Dog' sign. It'd be just as effective."
Lo and behold, papa Titan shows up to smash the wall down. A monster even by Titan standards, the Colossal Titan is so tall it is able to look over the wall. A few kicks later, the wall comes crumbling down, and in come an army of Titans feeling mighty hungry after a 100 year fast.
What follows is a smorgasbord of gore and human suffering. People die. Even important characters are not spared from the chaos that ensues, as they see their friends eaten right beside them. And then they get eaten. It is at this point that Attack on Titan shows its true colors. Faced with an enemy nigh impossible to kill, there are those who run. And there are those who fight. The ones who fight realize that if they do not stand up against the Titans, no one else will. Everyone will die unless they overcome their fears. It's kill or be killed. It's also about sacrificing oneself for the sake of others. Even more importantly, it's about finding light in the dark.
Super Awesome Must-See Trailer! Watch Now!
In Blu-Ray for extra gory detail!
#2) Berserk (1997, 2012)
Berserk, the anime, is based on a manga that's as dark as it is long. To put that into perspective, the manga has been in publication since 1990. There are so far 37 volumes, each averaging around 200 pages full of violence. If you use your calculator right, that should equal 7400 bloodstained pages. Translate that in terms of darkness and the results will be scenes full of blood, gore, nudity, rape, betrayal, vengeance, and dread. And then there's Guts. He is the main character. And that is the name bequeathed to him. Wonder how he got that? He was born from a corpse. A literal dead body hanging from a tree was his mother.
Guts. AKA Badass.
The manga is about his fight against the demons that have overrun the world. The anime, on the other hand, focuses on his youth as he trains to be a mercenary and then joins forces with the Black Hawks, a band of rebels led by the charismatic Griffith. Both Guts and Griffith form a deep bond with each other, each finally meeting someone that can match their prowess in battle.
My favorite part of this anime lies in that bond. They are both like puzzle pieces matched by fate, requiring the other to find purpose in their lives. Griffith possesses an extraordinary strategic mind, while Guts possesses incredible strength. With Guts, Griffith is able to make his move towards capturing the throne, and Guts is able to find meaning in the bedlam that is his life. He devotes himself to Griffith, and in return Griffith bestows him a purpose. Despite all the cruelty that will inevitably clench your heart with cold, clammy (and possibly sweaty) hands, Berserk offers a look into the beauty of the human struggle. Though few and far between, there are moments that will make you laugh till your ribs hurt. There are scenes that will melt your heart and make you warm inside. And of course, there will be times that you will be possessed with uncontrollable sobbing. In the end, you'll gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be human.
I think this guy knows what it means.
There are two series out. The original aired in 1997 and spanned 25 heart-wrenching episodes. The show got a renovation in 2012 and became a trilogy of beautiful looking films. I'd say that if you're looking for a place to start, go with the '97 version. You can blame it on being where my nostalgia lies, but I feel that since it has the longer run time, it presents more opportunities to explore the characters and world. The film trilogy, while far more beautiful to behold, lacks the same amount of depth. If anything, the darker, grungier colors of the '97 version actually serve to better capture the essence of what Berserk is all about. Whichever you decide to see first, take heed. The '97 version has an intro song that will make your eyeballs explode in rage. It's awful. I'd rather shove a cactus in my ear then listen to that abomination.
Super Awesome Must-See Trailer! Watch Now!
Watch it! - Berserk: Golden Age!
#3) Death Note (2007)
Take Sherlock Holmes and inject his brain with an elixir specifically meant to boost his detective skills ten-fold. That is Detective L, the man tasked with figuring out the culprit behind a recent case of murders. Ones that warrant the attention of the world's greatest detective. For no one else can figure out the suspect. Not even the second and third greatest detectives.
Who are actually also Detective L. Weird, huh? Also, props for finding Sherlock Holmes.
Unbeknownst to the young detective, he's in for the case of a lifetime. He is completely unaware that that the man behind the murders is using a supernatural item to accomplish the deed. In that man's possession is a black notebook. Limited by only a few quirky rules, a simple jot of a person's name means certain death for them. All that this man needs is an image in his head of that person, and they die. So, who does he choose to kill? Murderers.
Across the world, murderers begin dropping like a dubstep beat. No signs of struggle in the corpses. The only clue is cardiac arrest. Paranoia and fascination engulf the media like a frenzy. Police scramble to find the culprit. The cause behind all of this?
A bored highschooler.
Light Yagami is a kid too intelligent for his own good. The boy is an absolute genius. Unfortunately, he is weighed down with apathy, and has only the sole desire to rid the world of criminal scum. As fate would have it, on a particularly apathetic day he spots a notebook falling from the sky. Finally sensing something interesting, Light goes to check it out. What he finds is a blank notebook titled the Death Note with a list of rules on the inside cover, the very first being "The human whose name is written in this note shall die." He proclaims it's absolute horseshit, but chooses to hold on to it regardless. Sure enough, it only takes a handful of scenes for him to discover that the notebook ain't no joke.
It ain't no joke. Well....
So, he goes on a killing spree, aided by a shinigami, a Japanese god of death. The shinigami happened to be the original owner of the Death Note, but "accidentally" let it slip out of his hand and into the mortal world. His "accident" became a happy one when Light picked up his book. It helps him pass the time seeing all those deaths in action.
This nut's a shinigami.
What it all boils down to is an epic showdown between two geniuses. The world's greatest detective goes on the hunt for the world's most elusive murderer. It's not so much a mystery as it is a game of chess between two Titans of the mind. You see, Light cleverly joins forces with Detective L to... catch himself? Yes. This is just the first step Light takes to avoid detection. Though Detective L finds him suspicious and lays ingenious traps, Light masterfully thwarts him every time. And that is the brilliance of Death Note. Your mind will be stretched and possibly blown trying to keep up with the two of them.
Also, the director of Death Note went on to direct Attack on Titan.
Super Awesome Despite Having Low-Res Trailer! Watch Now in SD!
Watch it! - Death Note!
#4) Fullmetal Alchemist (2003, 2009)
The FullMetal Alchemist. The name alone conjures images of badassery. And that is exactly what this anime is. Edward and Alphonse Elric, the series' protagonist brothers, go on the quest for the Philosopher's Stone, an item that will allow them to restore something very dear to them. Their broken bodies.
You see, in the world of alchemy, a technique that lets one transform one set of items into another, certain things are forbidden. Chief among them is reviving human life. Edward and Alphonse decided one day that avoiding forbidden things is pretty much for people who like to drive Prius's. So, still grieving over the loss of their mother, they decide to perform some forbidden alchemy to restore her. They gather all the chemical ingredients in the appropriate measurements that compose a human body and have at it. The ordeal goes pretty much as smoothly as an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting where everyone brought booze. Even the conductor.
That hideous looking thing is the fruit of their labor.
They completely butcher the operation and their 'mom' materializes as a deformed lump of tissue. As if the brothers didn't have it bad enough, Life amuses itself further by squeezing some lemon juice into their open wounds. Literal open wounds, that is. You see, Edward lost his leg during the attempt. He crawls on the ground with blood gushing from the stump where he once had a limb. But rather than cry about it, he actively calls out to his brother Alphonse to make sure he's doing all right. Which he isn't, because he lost his entire body. Edward, pulling a feet of ultimate badassery, sacrifices yet another limb in order to save Alphonse's soul. In a last minute frenzy, he manages to bind his brother's soul to a nearby suit of armor. Then he passes out from the sheer blood loss.
Pictured: perfectly normal 12 year old boy.
With his limbs gone, he gets them replaced with automail, a sophisticated mechanical system acting as his arm and leg. With their bodies essentially destroyed, the brothers realize the mistake they've made and seek to redeem themselves. Edward leads them on a search for the Philosopher's Stone, which will grant them the power to restore their bodies. A series of trials and tribulations await them, and they quickly learn that it will not be easy. Edward goes so far as to join the military in order to gain better leads. And so they march on.
In my honest opinion, Fullmetal Alchemist is one of the greatest action/adventures ever conceived. It simply happens to be in anime form. If you are looking for deeply developed characters, who are beaten down and rise back up, travelling a world filled with wonder and despair, hoping against hope that they can fix their mistakes, this is a must-see. Fullmetal Alchemist is no Sunday morning cartoon. It is a profound reflection on the pain that regret creates. The feelz in this one are deep. Deeper than the Grand Canyon.
As with Berserk, FMA has two different series. The first from 2003 ran into a bit of a situation when the developers realized they caught up with the manga too fast. Rather than wait for the new manga chapters to be published, they took it upon themselves to finish the anime as they saw fit. And a splendid job they did. The whole show was beautiful from beginning to end. However, people wanted to see an anime that followed the manga till the end. So, in 2009, FMA: Brotherhood was born. Being that it was not a sequel, but an alternate to the original series and a more truer rendition of the excellent source material it's based on, Brotherhood had superb ratings and fan following.
If you ask me, I like them both. But, my heart lies with the 2003 version. It's the one that resonates with me the most. Others will like Brotherhood more. Check them both out and see for yourself!
2003 Trailer
Brotherhood (2009) Trailer
Blu-Ray Complete Edition!
Watch for free!
____________________________________________________________________________ I sincerely hope you enjoy at least one of these. I mean, I'm almost positive you will. They are all much deeper and thoughtful than the majority of Hollywood Blockbusters coming out these days. They can be emotional rollercoasters and sources of inspiration. And they can possibly become a personal favorite! Go ahead and share your favorite anime! I might include it in part 2!
If you liked this article, go ahead and follow me on the link of your choice to know when the next one's coming. You have no idea how happy I'd be if you did that. I would dragon-kick a baby out of sheer joy! Well...maybe not that. But, I would def have a smile on my face. Also, you'll be spared from my inevitable rampage. It's a win-win.
Posts
to prove he is. 
