Monday, December 29, 2014

4 Awesome Animes that will Turn Even Die-Hard Haters into Fans


Let's face it. There are people that give anime a bad rap. It's perfectly understandable. Modern anime is riddled with EE-sized babes taking out giant aliens. At least that's what the uninitiated tend to believe. Even though there are many anime that share this trait, there are some that go beyond. See, anime is merely a medium, a method upon which to tell a story. The quality of it will be based entirely on the artist. Seeing as how the majority of anime artists tend to be from Japan, however, that tends to explain a few things.

But do not think so little of Japan! For those who have never seen what anime is truly capable of, the following four are meant to get your attention. At least two of these will break your preconceptions of anime as a subdominant art form. They are all dynamic stories delving deep into the human psyche. They are stories that will make you laugh, cry, rage, and think very deeply about yourself and what you would do if presented with the situation that these characters go through.

So, without further ado....


#1)Attack on Titan (2013)                                                                          
http://www.spaniardhooves.com/foro/viewtopic.php?f=29&t=2111 The hit anime of 2013. If you want to see anime done right, that's Attack on Titan. Forget the busty babes and shrill, over-the-top comedy that plagues modern anime. Attack on Titan takes a metaphorical dump on all of that. Though considered an action anime, it is a beautiful rendition of a primal fear --- the fear of being eaten alive. It introduces a world where humans live under the thumb of a terrifying force of nature, the Titans, whose soul purpose is to consume all humans like bite-size Snickers.



"Hey, Lorquag, have a human."

"Why?"

"Cuz we don't have any Snickers."

By the time of the first episode, people were living in a city shielded by a 100 foot wall.  They were able to live in peace for 100 years this way, as even the tallest known Titan did not quite reach 100 feet. (Yes, Titans are extremely big. Bigger than a man whose won a lifetime's supply of Twinkies.) Unfortunately, the people in Attack on Titan have never gotten the opportunity to see Pacific Rim, so they have no idea how useless there wall really is.



"We could have saved millions if we'd just put a big 'Beware of Dog' sign. It'd be just as effective."

Lo and behold, papa Titan shows up to smash the wall down. A monster even by Titan standards, the Colossal Titan is so tall it is able to look over the wall. A few kicks later, the wall comes crumbling down, and in come an army of Titans feeling mighty hungry after a 100 year fast. 

What follows is a smorgasbord of gore and human suffering. People die. Even important characters are not spared from the chaos that ensues, as they see their friends eaten right beside them. And then they get eaten. It is at this point that Attack on Titan shows its true colors. Faced with an enemy nigh impossible to kill, there are those who run. And there are those who fight. The ones who fight realize that if they do not stand up against the Titans, no one else will. Everyone will die unless they overcome their fears. It's kill or be killed. It's also about sacrificing oneself for the sake of others. Even more importantly, it's about finding light in the dark. 

Super Awesome Must-See Trailer! Watch Now!




In Blu-Ray for extra gory detail!

#2) Berserk (1997, 2012)                                                                                              
http://www.filmofilia.com/new-berserk-the-golden-age-iii-descent-poster-113377/
Berserk, the anime, is based on a manga that's as dark as it is long. To put that into perspective, the manga has been in publication since 1990. There are so far 37 volumes, each averaging around 200 pages full of violence. If you use your calculator right, that should equal 7400 bloodstained pages. Translate that in terms of darkness and the results will be scenes full of blood, gore, nudity, rape, betrayal, vengeance, and dread.

And then there's Guts. He is the main character. And that is the name bequeathed to him. Wonder how he got that? He was born from a corpse. A literal dead body hanging from a tree was his mother.




Guts. AKA Badass. 

The manga is about his fight against the demons that have overrun the world. The anime, on the other hand, focuses on his youth as he trains to be a mercenary and then joins forces with the Black Hawks, a band of rebels led by the charismatic Griffith. Both Guts and Griffith form a deep bond with each other, each finally meeting someone that can match their prowess in battle.





My favorite part of this anime lies in that bond. They are both like puzzle pieces matched by fate, requiring the other to find purpose in their lives. Griffith possesses an extraordinary strategic mind, while Guts possesses incredible strength. With Guts, Griffith is able to make his move towards capturing the throne, and Guts is able to find meaning in the bedlam that is his life. He devotes himself to Griffith, and in return Griffith bestows him a purpose.

Despite all the cruelty that will inevitably clench your heart with cold, clammy (and possibly sweaty) hands, Berserk offers a look into the beauty of the human struggle. Though few and far between, there are moments that will make you laugh till your ribs hurt. There are scenes that will melt your heart and make you warm inside. And of course, there will be times that you will be possessed with uncontrollable sobbing. In the end, you'll gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be human.




I think this guy knows what it means.

There are two series out. The original aired in 1997 and spanned 25 heart-wrenching episodes. The show got a renovation in 2012 and became a trilogy of beautiful looking films. I'd say that if you're looking for a place to start, go with the '97 version. You can blame it on being where my nostalgia lies, but I feel that since it has the longer run time, it presents more opportunities to explore the characters and world. The film trilogy, while far more beautiful to behold, lacks the same amount of depth. If anything, the darker, grungier colors of the '97 version actually serve to better capture the essence of what Berserk is all about.

Whichever you decide to see first, take heed. The '97 version has an intro song that will make your eyeballs explode in rage. It's awful. I'd rather shove a cactus in my ear then listen to that abomination.


Super Awesome Must-See Trailer! Watch Now!




Watch it! - Berserk: Golden Age!
 


#3) Death Note (2007)                                                                                                  

Take Sherlock Holmes and inject his brain with an elixir specifically meant to boost his detective skills ten-fold. That is Detective L, the man tasked with figuring out the culprit behind a recent case of murders. Ones that warrant the attention of the world's greatest detective. For no one else can figure out the suspect. Not even the second and third greatest detectives.




Who are actually also Detective L. Weird, huh? Also, props for finding Sherlock Holmes.

Unbeknownst to the young detective, he's in for the case of a lifetime. He is completely unaware that that the man behind the murders is using a supernatural item to accomplish the deed. In that man's possession is a black notebook. Limited by only a few quirky rules, a simple jot of a person's name means certain death for them. All that this man needs is an image in his head of that person, and they die. So, who does he choose to kill? Murderers. 

Across the world, murderers begin dropping like a dubstep beat. No signs of struggle in the corpses. The only clue is cardiac arrest. Paranoia and fascination engulf the media like a frenzy. Police scramble to find the culprit. The cause behind all of this?


A bored highschooler. 

Light Yagami is a kid too intelligent for his own good. The boy is an absolute genius. Unfortunately, he is weighed down with apathy, and has only the sole desire to rid the world of criminal scum. As fate would have it, on a particularly apathetic day he spots a notebook falling from the sky. Finally sensing something interesting, Light goes to check it out. What he finds is a blank notebook titled the Death Note with a list of rules on the inside cover, the very first being "The human whose name is written in this note shall die." He proclaims it's absolute horseshit, but chooses to hold on to it regardless. Sure enough, it only takes a handful of scenes for him to discover that the notebook ain't no joke. 


It ain't no joke. Well....

So, he goes on a killing spree, aided by a shinigami, a Japanese god of death. The shinigami happened to be the original owner of the Death Note, but "accidentally" let it slip out of his hand and into the mortal world. His "accident" became a happy one when Light picked up his book. It helps him pass the time seeing all those deaths in action. 


This nut's a shinigami.

What it all boils down to is an epic showdown between two geniuses. The world's greatest detective goes on the hunt for the world's most elusive murderer. It's not so much a mystery as it is a game of chess between two Titans of the mind. You see, Light cleverly joins forces with Detective L to... catch himself? Yes. This is just the first step Light takes to avoid detection. Though Detective L finds him suspicious and lays ingenious traps, Light masterfully thwarts him every time. And that is the brilliance of Death Note. Your mind will be stretched and possibly blown trying to keep up with the two of them.

Also, the director of Death Note went on to direct Attack on Titan. 

Super Awesome Despite Having Low-Res Trailer! Watch Now in SD!    
                                  


Watch it! - Death Note!




 #4) Fullmetal Alchemist (2003, 2009)                                                                             
The FullMetal Alchemist. The name alone conjures images of badassery. And that is exactly what this anime is. Edward and Alphonse Elric, the series' protagonist brothers, go on the quest for the Philosopher's Stone, an item that will allow them to restore something very dear to them. Their broken bodies. 

You see, in the world of alchemy, a technique that lets one transform one set of items into another, certain things are forbidden. Chief among them is reviving human life. Edward and Alphonse decided one day that avoiding forbidden things is pretty much for people who like to drive Prius's. So, still grieving over the loss of their mother, they decide to perform some forbidden alchemy to restore her. They gather all the chemical ingredients in the appropriate measurements that compose a human body and have at it. The ordeal goes pretty much as smoothly as an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting where everyone brought booze. Even the conductor. 


That hideous looking thing is the fruit of their labor. 

They completely butcher the operation and their 'mom' materializes as a deformed lump of tissue. As if the brothers didn't have it bad enough, Life amuses itself further by squeezing some lemon juice into their open wounds. Literal open wounds, that is. You see, Edward lost his leg during the attempt. He crawls on the ground with blood gushing from the stump where he once had a limb. But rather than cry about it, he actively calls out to his brother Alphonse to make sure he's doing all right. Which he isn't, because he lost his entire body. Edward, pulling a feet of ultimate badassery, sacrifices yet another limb in order to save Alphonse's soul. In a last minute frenzy, he manages to bind his brother's soul to a nearby suit of armor. Then he passes out from the sheer blood loss. 


Pictured: perfectly normal 12 year old boy.

With his limbs gone, he gets them replaced with automail, a sophisticated mechanical system acting as his arm and leg. With their bodies essentially destroyed, the brothers realize the mistake they've made and seek to redeem themselves. Edward leads them on a search for the Philosopher's Stone, which will grant them the power to restore their bodies. A series of trials and tribulations await them, and they quickly learn that it will not be easy. Edward goes so far as to join the military in order to gain better leads. And so they march on.

In my honest opinion, Fullmetal Alchemist is one of the greatest action/adventures ever conceived. It simply happens to be in anime form. If you are looking for deeply developed characters, who are beaten down and rise back up, travelling a world filled with wonder and despair, hoping against hope that they can fix their mistakes, this is a must-see. Fullmetal Alchemist is no Sunday morning cartoon. It is a profound reflection on the pain that regret creates. The feelz in this one are deep. Deeper than the Grand Canyon. 



As with Berserk, FMA has two different series. The first from 2003 ran into a bit of a situation when the developers realized they caught up with the manga too fast. Rather than wait for the new manga chapters to be published, they took it upon themselves to finish the anime as they saw fit. And a splendid job they did. The whole show was beautiful from beginning to end. However, people wanted to see an anime that followed the manga till the end. So, in 2009, FMA: Brotherhood was born. Being that it was not a sequel, but an alternate to the original series and a more truer rendition of the excellent source material it's based on, Brotherhood had superb ratings and fan following. 

If you ask me, I like them both. But, my heart lies with the 2003 version. It's the one that resonates with me the most. Others will like Brotherhood more. Check them both out and see for yourself!

2003 Trailer





Brotherhood (2009) Trailer



                                                                                                          
Blu-Ray Complete Edition!


Watch for free!


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I sincerely hope you enjoy at least one of these. I mean, I'm almost positive you will. They are all much deeper and thoughtful than the majority of Hollywood Blockbusters coming out these days. They can be emotional rollercoasters and sources of inspiration. And they can possibly become a personal favorite! Go ahead and share your favorite anime! I might include it in part 2!


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If you liked this article, go ahead and follow me on the link of your choice to know when the next one's coming. You have no idea how happy I'd be if you did that. I would dragon-kick a baby out of sheer joy! Well...maybe not that. But, I would def have a smile on my face. Also, you'll be spared from my inevitable rampage. It's a win-win. 
                                                                                                                        
                                                           
 

Monday, December 22, 2014

Douchebags: Why they Exist and Why I'm Completely Fine with It

Here's a quick personality test. Read the following lines aloud. Go on, don't be shy.

I am the life of the party. Everyone envies me for my looks and popularity. I am a ladies man and can get any girl I want. I am cool and successful and have the best hair. 


How do you feel? Do you have a sense of unease, almost as if you don't fully believe in all of what you said? Then, don't worry about a thing. Chances are you're a great person with a normal ego.




Please clone yourself now. The world needs more people like you.

Let's talk about the people who actually read those lines aloud with confidence. People who fully believe that they have just spoken the truth. There are only two types of people who would think this. The first is a man who has climbed society's ladder. He has endured his fair share of struggles and has learned his lessons. His sense of style reflects his intelligence and wit, and he has a real, authentic group of followers. He not only has respect from others, but also respect for others.  Think Tony Stark by the end of the third Iron Man flick.



"I hope I can protect the one thing I can't live without." - Tony Stark

Now take away the intelligence and wit, the authentic group of followers, and respect for others. Add a sense of entitlement and demand of respect from others. Spice it up with a ridiculous haircut and shades, and behold the abomination you have created. The second type of person. A living, breathing douchebag. 


Bonus points if you included some spray tan!

Chances are, not a single person reading this article will think they are the second type. All douchebags think that they are Tony Stark caliber. And that is why they suck. They are twenty-something year olds who don't know any better. Why do these people exist? How does one start off as a perfectly innocent, pooping toddler ripe with potential and then grow up retaining only the pooping aspect?

Let's take a look at what douchebags are afraid of being --- a pussy. Especially in front of women. So, they put on a show. They do everything in their power to look confident and popular. They put on this false sense of bravado, acting like women are their playthings. However, they fall flat on their assess when it comes to looking confident and popular. No one besides other douchebags actually like them, so they're not actually that popular. Also, they are not actually confident. They're arrogant. They display self-importance and disregard for others (in this case, women). 

So, what I'm saying is, douchebags have become the way they are in their pursuit of women. But, the question still remains: why did they turn out this way?



Compensation?

Compensation could be an answer for the majority of douchebags. But, before I go on, let's take a break. I'm getting tired of saying douchebag. I need a new word for them. Hmm...douchebro? Dudebro? Dickbag? Cancerous wart of the Millennial generation? Yeah, I like that one.

So, getting back to the article on cancerous warts of the Millennial generation, we left off on the idea of compensation. But, not the kind you're thinking of. 


You really need to get your mind out of there. 


Although, having a small dick may explain why there are a good number of them. 

Sorry for bringing you right back in there. 

Alas, our article shall head (haha, get it?) in another direction. Compensation of the soul. What I mean by that is, cancerous warts of the Millennial generation are compensating for something beyond their small banana. I believe that they have not had enough life experiences to develop a deep personality. So, they take the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach. Confidence, wit, charm, style...whatever their naive brain thinks those traits entail, they take them and exaggerate them. 


Because a real man would know that shirts aren't stylish, after all. 

So, is that what being a cancerous wart of the Millennial generation entails? Simple naivety? Maybe. However, aren't all young people naive? Yet, not all of them are douche. Er, I mean cancerous warts of the Millennial generation. (Gosh, that is getting tiring to type.) Here is the deciding factor. Women. 


In case you all were starting to feel left out. 

Cancerous warts of the...you know what? Screw it. Douchebags are douchebags because they think that that is what women want. To a degree, this is true. There are women that crave douchebags. They are the only guys they ever get in relationships with. Something about spray tans and spiked hair gets their loins frothing. 


"Stirred up, Cyril. In the loins." - Malory Archer

Lo and behold, it actually works. Douchebags get girls. And, that brings me to my conclusive answer. Douchebags exist because there are women willing to have them. Looking at it socioeconomically, douchebags are actually fulfilling a social and economic demand. (That's probably not how that word works.) Douchebaggery is a thriving subculture because there are benefits of being one.

Before I go, I do want to make this point. I have a strong suspicion that the women that dig douchebags are just as naive as the douchebags they date. Nine times out of ten, quality women go for quality guys. And, I am perfectly OK with that. Let there be douchebags. So long as they distract the women that seek them, all that remains is quality guys and gals.

So, we can all just throw a big orgy to celebrate. 

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Monday, December 15, 2014

5 Terrifying Photos of Jets

We've all heard this before. Flying is considered to be one of the safest modes of travel. That's why you went and bought those tickets to Greenland (of all places). But, after seeing these photos, you might just regret having bought them. 




#1. Jetnado
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A tornado follows a Ryanair fight as it takes off at East Midlands airport on route to Palma Mallorca Spain.
Credit: Russ Greenwell/Paul King/Alamy Live News


Now, I'm not afraid of flying or anything, but that is some scary shit. That is an actual tornado in pursuit of a jet. What boggles my mind is that in those weather conditions, the plane was still allowed to take off. Who the hell is in charge at that airport? 


#2. Feeling a Little Tipsy
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"And, if you look to your right, you can see imminent death and suffering." 

Folks, this is what I've been campaigning about for years. We cannot keep allowing our jets to drink while flying. They always take too many jello shots and then can't land a straight line. Vote Axel Frets for President. I'll put an end to drunk jets. 


#3. Birdaggedon 
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A bird did that. A freaking bird. I mean, I understand physics. Colliding at high velocities packs a serious punch. But, it actually managed to breach the hull! That can't be right. My hunch is that they actually ran into Fatman the Human Flying Saucer

Fatman pinup


#4. Move B**ch, Get Out the Way!
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"And if you look to your right, you have precisely three seconds to shit your pants."

The experts say that it's more dangerous to take-off and land than it is to actually fly. I can see what they mean now. Here, we have a Russian jet casually strolling to its take off strip while also casually getting in the way of a jet readying to land. It's a good way to scare the passengers. Keep them in line. 


#5. Bullseye!
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"Did I get him? I think I got him."

That's it. I'm almost certain now that the runway is the most dangerous place on Earth. If you look closely at the super hi-res image, you'll see that the white plane hit the red plane's cabin. I don't know if the pilot made it. I just wish that planes could already be in the air and have teleporters to beam us up. I'll take being hit by Fatman the Human Flying Saucer any day over being hit by a multi-ton aircraft. 

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Friday, December 12, 2014

Trash Cans and a Universal Theory of Comedy

The following is a little video I stumbled upon on the interwebs. It's a dude that's discovered a deeper purpose for trash cans with motion sensors. 

! Warning ! This video is 14 seconds of time you ain't gonna get back, but I think it warrants some attention.


This is dumber than it looks, folks. So dumb, that I laughed right along with the guy. But, I, like I'm sure most people are, am not laughing at the trash cans. I'm laughing because he's laughing! And, more importantly, at how he's laughing. Honestly, the amount of joy emanating from this man is enough to power a 1000 horsepower engine crafted by kittens.



And almost enough to power Godsmack's new single. 

I gotta admit, though, when i first clicked play, I didn't think there was any guy laughing. In my mind, for that split second after hitting play and the first sounds waved into my ears, I thought it was the trash can. Like it got together with its trash can best friend and the two of them arranged the whole thing and posted their shenanigans on their Instagram accounts. The two of them just laughing it up before the inevitable rotten food and used condoms get thrown at them.

So, I was a little tripped out at first. It was only a second later that I realized it was a human doing the laughing. However, it sounded less like joyful laughter and more like tuberculosis. I thought the dude was about to cough out a lung!




Pictured: Not funny. 

As the video progressed, only then could I discern actual laughter. And that is when I began laughing. At first, I wasn't really into it. I was warming up, doing the kind of cringed giggle you do when your friend burps and farts next to you. I was trying to understand the guy and see what he found so funny about the situation.
However, a second later none of that mattered. The man goes "oh f***!" And I lost it. He was laughing so hard that he pulled out the F-bomb. He reached laughter nirvana.



A place almost as funny as those sunglasses. 

So, I got to thinking, what makes dumb little things like that so funny? After doing a rigorous 5 minutes of research reading 1 article, I deduce that it has to do with a little itty-bitty thing called Benign Violation Theory. Now, even though this sounds more like a theory suited for explaining why the Hindenburg crashed, it actually manages to partly explain what makes guys like Louis C.K and Gabriel Iglesias funny. They take something that seems wrong and make it benign. In Iglesias's case, he takes obesity (a violation) and jokes about it, making it benign.


 

Damn!

Louis C.K is an even more extreme version of this. He ventures to the edge of sanity, scoops up whatever vulgar, crude, horrific little gems he can find and brings them to his stand-up.



In the case with the trash cans, the violation is that it is boring and stupid. However, the benign part is found in that one man's laughter. The fact he makes something funny just with his laugh is benign. It is awesome. It made my day. It makes me want to go and write "F-ck you" under someone's nose.

Of course, Benign Violation Theory does have its holes. For instance, how can you truly define what is a violation and what is benign? Finding a theory that can completely explain humor might be impossible. It is an age old question, something that has been asked by the ancient Greeks and unanswered till this day.

Whatever the case may be, I believe that the day humanity discovers the truth behind comedy will be the day we as a species collectively agree to burp and fart at the exact same time.




Imagine it.



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